How to Handle Regret

How to Handle Regret

Suma Chand, PhD

headshot

Suma Chand, PhD, is a Professor and Director of the Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) Program in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Neuroscience, St Louis University School of Medicine.  She is involved in the training of Psychiatry residents and fellows in CBT and as a SLUCare Provider runs CBT clinics for adults and older adults offering individual and group CBT. Dr. Chand's clinical and research interests are in the areas of CBT for adults and older adults with anxiety and depressive disorders, sleep related problems and maladaptive perfectionism. She also writes blog posts on mental health topics. Dr. Chand is a member of the  Public Education Committee of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America and serves on the Board of Directors for the National Social Anxiety Center.

How to Handle Regret

Share
No
handling regret

Reviewed October 2020

In the early years of my career as a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist I often struggled to find a way to help some of my clients cope with their thoughts and feelings of regret: “If only I had recognized my cheating boyfriend for what he really is,” or “I wish I’d been a better and more patient mother to my son,” and “If only I’d studied harder I would have done better in life.”

Over time I have found that one very effective strategy is to ask key questions. These help move people toward thinking and behaving differently about their regrets.

The Questions

I often start with this question:
“Have you noticed how the excessive regret affects what you do and say?”  

Responses typically indicate the negative influence of regret, such as losing confidence, not wanting to be around people, and being more self-deprecating than necessary.

I then ask these questions to explore a regretful situation further:

1.  “Could I have acted any differently considering the particular stage in my life and the information or experiences I had until that point in my life?”

If you were to ask yourself this question, you will probably realize that you did what any person in your shoes would have done given your background, circumstance, and the information you had.

2.  “Was it only me or did anything or anyone else contribute to my mistake?”

I have always found that people who are drowning in regret take complete responsibility for their mistakes. But they don’t take into consideration any other factors that contributed to the problem.

3.    “Was there anything I did right in the situation that I regret so much?”

This may not be easy to answer. I’ve often had to explore the situation more closely to help my clients recognize what they had done right.

4.    “As a result of this regretful experience, have I changed the way I behave and respond to similar situations?”

Most likely you’ll find that you have learned some important lessons in life, and that you are better off as a result of the very experiences that you regret.

5.    “Is there anything you can do now that will make any difference about how you think and feel about a situation you regret?”

This may help you take some corrective actions with regard to what you’ve regretted for a long time, such as expressing your regret to someone you hurt. It can also make you reevaluate your current choices and take actions move toward goals you regret not having moved toward earlier.

Acceptance

It’s OK to be an imperfect person because that’s what we all are.

Excessive regret is often linked to not being OK about making mistakes. So the solution to not experiencing regret is to not be perfect. It’s OK to make mistakes simply because it is impossible for humans not to make mistakes and experience some regret. 

Suma Chand, PhD

headshot

Suma Chand, PhD, is a Professor and Director of the Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) Program in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Neuroscience, St Louis University School of Medicine.  She is involved in the training of Psychiatry residents and fellows in CBT and as a SLUCare Provider runs CBT clinics for adults and older adults offering individual and group CBT. Dr. Chand's clinical and research interests are in the areas of CBT for adults and older adults with anxiety and depressive disorders, sleep related problems and maladaptive perfectionism. She also writes blog posts on mental health topics. Dr. Chand is a member of the  Public Education Committee of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America and serves on the Board of Directors for the National Social Anxiety Center.

ADAA Blog Content and Blog Comments Policy

ADAA Blog Content and Blog Comments Policy

ADAA provides this Website blogs for the benefit of its members and the public. The content, view and opinions published in Blogs written by our personnel or contributors – or from links or posts on the Website from other sources - belong solely to their respective authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of ADAA, its members, management or employees. Any comments or opinions expressed are those of their respective contributors only. Please remember that the open and real-time nature of the comments posted to these venues makes it is impossible for ADAA to confirm the validity of any content posted, and though we reserve the right to review and edit or delete any such comment, we do not guarantee that we will monitor or review it. As such, we are not responsible for any messages posted or the consequences of following any advice offered within such posts. If you find any posts in these posts/comments to be offensive, inaccurate or objectionable, please contact us via email at [email protected] and reference the relevant content. If we determine that removal of a post or posts is necessary, we will make reasonable efforts to do so in a timely manner.

ADAA expressly disclaims responsibility for and liabilities resulting from, any information or communications from and between users of ADAA’s blog post commenting features. Users acknowledge and agree that they may be individually liable for anything they communicate using ADAA’s blogs, including but not limited to defamatory, discriminatory, false or unauthorized information. Users are cautioned that they are responsible for complying with the requirements of applicable copyright and trademark laws and regulations. By submitting a response, comment or content, you agree that such submission is non-confidential for all purposes. Any submission to this Website will be deemed and remain the property of ADAA.

The ADAA blogs are forums for individuals to share their opinions, experiences and thoughts related to mental illness. ADAA wants to ensure the integrity of this service and therefore, use of this service is limited to participants who agree to adhere to the following guidelines:

1. Refrain from transmitting any message, information, data, or text that is unlawful, threatening, abusive, harassing, defamatory, vulgar, obscene, that may be invasive of another 's privacy, hateful, or bashing communications - especially those aimed at gender, race, color, sexual orientation, national origin, religious views or disability.

Please note that there is a review process whereby all comments posted to blog posts and webinars are reviewed by ADAA staff to determine appropriateness before comments are posted. ADAA reserves the right to remove or edit a post containing offensive material as defined by ADAA.

ADAA reserves the right to remove or edit posts that contain explicit, obscene, offensive, or vulgar language. Similarly, posts that contain any graphic files will be removed immediately upon notice.

2. Refrain from posting or transmitting any unsolicited, promotional materials, "junk mail," "spam," "chain mail," "pyramid schemes" or any other form of solicitation. ADAA reserves the right to delete these posts immediately upon notice.

3. ADAA invites and encourages a healthy exchange of opinions. If you disagree with a participant 's post or opinion and wish to challenge it, do so with respect. The real objective of the ADAA blog post commenting function is to promote discussion and understanding, not to convince others that your opinion is "right." Name calling, insults, and personal attacks are not appropriate and will not be tolerated. ADAA will remove these posts immediately upon notice.

4. ADAA promotes privacy and encourages participants to keep personal information such as address and telephone number from being posted. Similarly, do not ask for personal information from other participants. Any comments that ask for telephone, address, e-mail, surveys and research studies will not be approved for posting.

5. Participants should be aware that the opinions, beliefs and statements on blog posts do not necessarily represent the opinions and beliefs of ADAA. Participants also agree that ADAA is not to be held liable for any loss or injury caused, in whole or in part, by sponsorship of blog post commenting. Participants also agree that ADAA reserves the right to report any suspicions of harm to self or others as evidenced by participant posts.

RESOURCES AND NEWS
Evidence-based Tips & Strategies from our Member Experts
RELATED ARTICLES
Block reference